Today has been a really uncomfortable mix of extreme sadness and relief. Bart passed away this morning at the vet's, but at least he was in my mom's arms. It's selfish, but I wish he could have held on just a little longer so I could say goodbye. But maybe he wanted it this way.
I keep going back and forth from sobbing to feeling relieved that he's not in pain anymore. He was a huge part of my family for over sixteen years... which is over half of my life. He was always my friend, especially when I really needed one. When I was in my mid teens I experienced a deep trauma and was borderline suicidal. I didn't have a single human friend, but Bart was always there. He always knew when I was having a bad day. Sometimes I would cry my eyes out and he would get real close and lay his head on me. It felt like his way of saying "You'll be okay. I'm here."
I'm sure that will sound crazy to some people, but the connection we had was so deep. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone. I had always known this day would come but it always seemed so distant in the future, like we always had another day. He was, without a doubt, the most gentle, kind soul I've ever encountered. His energy was almost magical. I love him so much more than words can explain.
I hate to know that he's gone.
I feel like I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart. Bart had been battling kidney disease for the past two years as well as a number of other health issues that come with old age. I'm relieved to know that he is no longer suffering from pain or discomfort. When he first got sick, he almost didn't make it. Something in him kept fighting though, and eventually he pulled through. We were so blessed to enjoy another two years with him and I'm forever grateful that we had some extra time together. It's hard to imagine life without him. I like to imagine that wherever he is, he's as happy as he was with us.
I love you so much Hoggy, but you already know that.
Television overwhelms me and I don't watch the news ~ I don't connect with current culture. Music has meaningless lyrics and the majority of what is shoved down our throats and deemed "popular" is about greed, infidelity, sex workers and violence. Our generation is taught to "not give a fuck" ~ when in reality the world would be a much better place if we all cared a little more. Sensitivity is seen as a weakness... but maybe if we raised our children with more compassion and awareness, it would be seen as a gift. I've realized that I have a low tolerance for things that have no soul.
(vintage eggplant silk slip + buttercream blouse, avocado green fishnets, vintage eggplant shoes + pumpkin hat circa 1960's)
I originally had planned on selling this ensemble, but the minute I wiggled into everything I couldn't bare to say goodbye.
On a much more exciting note from my last post, my old man and I just booked a trip to Hawaii! He'll be working most of the time, and I'm just tagging along in hopes of coming home with a tan and not a sunburn. I'm hoping to do a small pop-up event while I'm there, so I'll keep you kittens updated on any developments.
The cute rash (not actually cute, definitely very gross) on my forehead is luckily almost gone after five days of feeling like a mutant. I was in a thrift store the other day when it was at it's peak, no makeup on (which I'm usually okay with, but I seriously felt like a Chud) and a very sweet girl recognized me and said hello. I was so embarrassed and hoped that my face didn't look as bad to her as it looked to me, but I ran around the store frantically checking my items and bounced back home as soon as I could. Didn't leave the house for another three days. My skin never used to be much of an issue until this past year, and now I constantly battle with adult acne and weird allergic reactions (yipee!)
Incase you're in need of some new music to listen to while making breakfast, check this out
(Lula tunic + vintage avocado green fishnets + tiny hat)
I moved back to this blog... what a surprise! I guess I realized it's better and much easier for me to have all of my social media as condensed as possible. So in other words, all of my old content + the newer diary content are both in one place now :)
This week has been a weird, irritating bummer and I can't decide if I should laugh about it or cry. Or maybe a cry-laugh would be good. You know, something that's an even mixture of both. I came down with a weird cold that is lasting longer than I would like it to, and two days ago I developed a really cute rash on my forehead. I haven't been able to fall asleep until 5-7am because of this cold and it's about that time of the month, so I'm extra irritated, sleepy and over all emo.
Someone notified me today of a small company using one of my illustrations as their logo... another huge frustration to add to the list. I won't name names because I'm pretty sure they're removing everything, but none the less it's so frustrating. Social media is so great and so shitty for so many reasons. Well, it's great, but people make it shitty. One of the pros about it, is it has enabled so many young artists to pursue a career in the arts without having a formal art education and gain a following of people who identify with and support their artistic endeavors. I mean, I'm definitely one of those people and sometimes I can't believe how many great opportunities and jobs I've gotten because of social media. I think that it's also really encouraging for people to see artists become successful with the help of social media and it can be really inspiring for people.
I see a lot of people tapping into their creativity and building their social media to promote their work, which is really great. The thing that frustrates me is that so many people don't realize that part of being an artist means you have to have artistic integrity. Don't get me wrong, not every aspiring artist is like this (obviously) but I see a lot of young creatives who are trying to profit off of other people's work. For example, the illustration of mine that this company was using was traced on photoshop, so it was slightly different than mine, but that's still considered stealing. I fully support people exploring their creativity, no matter what mediums they use, but I also think it's really important to realize that if you want to be taken seriously as an artist, if you want to profit as an artist, you have to have integrity.
I know when I was younger I spent a lot of time mimicking other artists work, but I always felt that it was important to know and understand that the actual work was not my own. It's so great to feel inspired by someone's work and even take little elements from something you like, but always find a way to change it and make it your own.
I truly mean to offense to anyone and I don't want aspiring artists to read this and get discouraged. Just remember to have your awareness in place while creating and be true to yourself <3
Avocado green silk + mustard tights + caramel ruffle blouse... Heaven. Nothing beats the feeling of supple textures against your skin or passing a window and seeing the way a slight breeze flows with your dress.
I hate current music. I haven't connected with any current sounds in a long time. Lyrics ave become mindless and repetitive with nauseating beats booming in the background. Not to say there aren't talented musicians out there, because I know they exist, I personally just haven't found many. Instead I find myself resorting to the same music I've listened to for ages and trying to dive deeper into music from the past. I recently discovered Ria Bartok ~ her voice is so sweet and hypnotizing. I don't speak French, but the sound itself invokes dreams and emotions that I adore.
I love to start my day by opening all of the windows ~ letting the sun shine and fresh air flow into my studio, put on a silk slip + lace robe and blast old French music.