Today has been a really uncomfortable mix of extreme sadness and relief. Bart passed away this morning at the vet's, but at least he was in my mom's arms. It's selfish, but I wish he could have held on just a little longer so I could say goodbye. But maybe he wanted it this way.
I keep going back and forth from sobbing to feeling relieved that he's not in pain anymore. He was a huge part of my family for over sixteen years... which is over half of my life. He was always my friend, especially when I really needed one. When I was in my mid teens I experienced a deep trauma and was borderline suicidal. I didn't have a single human friend, but Bart was always there. He always knew when I was having a bad day. Sometimes I would cry my eyes out and he would get real close and lay his head on me. It felt like his way of saying "You'll be okay. I'm here."
I'm sure that will sound crazy to some people, but the connection we had was so deep. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone. I had always known this day would come but it always seemed so distant in the future, like we always had another day. He was, without a doubt, the most gentle, kind soul I've ever encountered. His energy was almost magical. I love him so much more than words can explain.
I hate to know that he's gone.
I feel like I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart. Bart had been battling kidney disease for the past two years as well as a number of other health issues that come with old age. I'm relieved to know that he is no longer suffering from pain or discomfort. When he first got sick, he almost didn't make it. Something in him kept fighting though, and eventually he pulled through. We were so blessed to enjoy another two years with him and I'm forever grateful that we had some extra time together. It's hard to imagine life without him. I like to imagine that wherever he is, he's as happy as he was with us.
I love you so much Hoggy, but you already know that.
Television overwhelms me and I don't watch the news ~ I don't connect with current culture. Music has meaningless lyrics and the majority of what is shoved down our throats and deemed "popular" is about greed, infidelity, sex workers and violence. Our generation is taught to "not give a fuck" ~ when in reality the world would be a much better place if we all cared a little more. Sensitivity is seen as a weakness... but maybe if we raised our children with more compassion and awareness, it would be seen as a gift. I've realized that I have a low tolerance for things that have no soul.